versusnurture | fourteen ♢ text & audio & spam

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[She wakes up screaming at what is, relatively speaking, three in the morning. It's a nightmare, the first really bad one since she died. She tries to remember what it was, what exactly, but it's all a blur; she remembers screaming in the dream, too; she remembers a lure; she remembers blood, lots of blood; she remembers a song. Ein Männlein steht im Walde . . . She remembers not being able to breathe. She remembers her mouth was full.]

[The first few nights, she calls people. She asks for help. After that, she wanders the halls, unable to get back to sleep, unwilling to lie in the dark any longer. Her hair is tied back, a scarf tucked around her shoulders, but her scar still stands out against the pale clamminess of her neck.]

audio } ben

[Night one, she calls Ben. She is crying, her voice muffled (she is using the bear as a pillow, as something with which to dry her tears).]

I'm not hurt. [She has to clarify this first, so he doesn't fear for her, so he doesn't hurt for her. This is how she protects him.] But I need you. Please. If - it's not too late.

audio } blight

[It's instinct to contact him. Maybe it's bad instinct. But it's what she reaches for the second night, once she's calmed herself down enough that she's no longer hyperventilating. Once she feels mostly human again.]

[It's midnight. She sounds as chipper as if it was noon.]

What do you know about brain chemistry?

text, filtered away from hannibal } public, april 7

who has nightmares

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

what does he dream? are they worse or better than yours?

fear darkness no memory

better. worse without a sense of being and context. better. they aren't memories.

if i could take yours and you could take mine, do you think it would be better?

[ River has to think about that. She doesn't want anyone to have her bad memory-like nightmares, not really. ]

until familiarity set in and the images were like movies you've seen again and again

oh.

then i don't know what to do.

are yours new?

we could stay up.

renovate old ones.

i think i have to stay up anyway. we can stay up together if you want.

i wish nightmares were people you could kick down the stairs.

okay.

me too. really tall stairs.

meet you on deck?

ok.

[ She shows up in under ten minutes, wrapped in a blanket around her shoulders and the customary bare feet. ]

[Abigail is wrapped in her own blanket. There is a teddy bear tucked under her arm, too, clearly not old but well-worn. She waves with her free hand.]

Hi. It's brighter out here. [It's better out here.]

Louder, too. [ River smiles. ] Her room is an echoing chamber of just her own thoughts; for her own protection. Sometimes she cracks open the door to let a breeze in but that doesn't really work.

Letting in a breeze for your thoughts? No, I don't think it would. Unless you're trepanning. And that's . . . probably a terrible idea.

[ River gives a soft laugh. ]

Duke would never forgive her if she took knives to her own skull. Besides, been there, had that done. [ A shrug. ]

Gross.

[Not a 'don't talk about it' gross, just a 'that sucks' gross. She rubs her neck.]

I had my throat cut and my ear cut off, but nothing like that. I can see why he wouldn't forgive you for doing it again.

Does it still hurt?

Sometimes. Sometimes she thinks it hurts but it's just...the memory of pain. Sometimes headache are bad. Sometimes she dreams the bones come apart.

Sometimes the memory of pain can be as bad or worse. Because our mind makes it bigger. Phantom pains.

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