fifth ♢ private + voice + spam

[versusnurture]

private/voice } ben

[She contacts her warden as soon as Hannibal makes his announcement. Last night, when she checked in, she was distant; this morning she seemed more confident. This afternoon, she's shaky, uncertain, every bone in her body trembling, it feels like.]

Ben. I lost time. [This is an excuse, she knows.]

He made me dinner, Ben.

public } voice

[She cuts the feed on, then off. On/off, on/off, in strange but rhythmic patterns like Morse code.]

[She's fishing. Questions, accusations will come - she remembers that much from last time, with her real father, with Garret Hobbs, the Shrike. She wants them now. She doesn't want to wait.]

public } spam

[She doesn't change her routine, not even slightly. Which is not to say she's not afraid: she's terrified. There's no Freddie Lounds here to publicly doctor this story, to minimize her shame. Even if there was, she honestly isn't sure she'd want that anymore.]

[So she walks the halls and accepts what comes, goes to the art room, goes to lunch, visits Ben on his shift. Sometimes she goes to the CES and forgets where she is and how time passes. Hours and hours go by as she sits under a tree with her knees pulled up to her chest.]

[This is the only vulnerability she shows, and it is accidental.]

private } zane

I know what he wants from me so I can ask him for information if that's what you want.

[It's about the Emperor, of course; she no longer has the privilege, in her own mind, of contacting Zane for any reason other than business.]

Comments

[versusnurture]

[He's not going to start crying. She takes one look at him and starts crying for him, so he doesn't have to. Tears fall, but she doesn't make a sound.]

[She lays her hand over his on her cheek.]

I promise. I'll come back.

[The trouble is, she was headed there all the time.]

[themissingpiece]

[He's not crying but still just barely holding it back.]

If you don't-- [he shakes his head, glancing down.] --I'll pull you back out but -- but it's gonna kill me. [It's not a threat. It's not reassurance. It's a warning.]

[versusnurture]

No.

[But she doesn't want to come back. She doesn't want to. This isn't fair. It's supposed to be her choice.]

[She presses her face to his shoulder and cries, her body wracked with sobs. She can't kill him. She can't. What does she do now? Arkin's too important to hurt.]

[If she were Hannibal, it wouldn't matter. She wouldn't have to worry about other people. She could hurt whoever she wanted, and no one would have to care about her, either.]

[themissingpiece]

I'm sorry. I can't--

[He wraps his arms around her tightly. He's getting... a little too good a having people cry on him. He sighs heavily, it was not a masked sob, because he is not fucking crying.]

I'll stay away from him. Don't tell me what you're doing.

Does he know about me?

[versusnurture]

I won't tell.

[Said through her tears. She wasn't going to anyway.]

[She shakes her head and curls up as small as she can.]

No, no. He doesn't know about you. I wouldn't tell him about anybody I liked.

[themissingpiece]

I know you don't want to hear it... [He pulls her closer as she curls up smaller.] ...but he's gonna find out eventually. When he does, nothing is gonna stop me.

[versusnurture]

[She laughs breathlessly against his shoulder.]

Sometimes I think - things I can't stop thinking. Every time I look at someone I think, would they help me get stronger? Would they hurt me? Or would they help me hurt other people?

I knew what you were capable of right from the beginning, I think. I wanted to make you do what I wanted. Once he got here, I thought I would've done anything to stay safe. But I didn't want to push you, not really.

It's not that I don't want to hear it. You just shouldn't have to - to dirty your hands with him.

[Pig, she thinks with some satisfaction.]

[themissingpiece]

[He should probably be more surprised by that admission but he's not. He laughs a little himself. They sure are messed up.] Things don't always go right for people when they try to get me to do what they want. Kinda have a way of ruining things.

[But importantly, and kinda flattering in a bizarre oh my god you both need therapy kind of way:] You're saying I'm too good for him?

[versusnurture]

I figured that out, too. [It might not have stopped her, except for:] That's not why I didn't do it, though.

[Now she pulls away and stares at Arkin in disbelief.]

Of course you're too good for him. What would ever make you think otherwise?

[themissingpiece]

Nothing. [Well, he's got lingering self worth issues but he's not gonna go into that right now.] Just not something people ever say to me.

[versusnurture]

Well, then, people are stupid.

[She's abruptly petulant, incredibly teenaged, but she's not crying anymore, at least. She leans sullenly against his shoulder.]

You're better than most people I know.

[themissingpiece]

Well, thank you. [He's still unused to people saying or thinking that that aren't under the age of ten.]

Whatever you're doing... be careful.

[versusnurture]

I will.

[But she remembers what Elena said, too: Don't hesitate. Take your chance.]

[She'll try to be cautious and not hesitate, too.]