versusnurture | fifth ♢ private + voice + spam

private/voice } ben

[She contacts her warden as soon as Hannibal makes his announcement. Last night, when she checked in, she was distant; this morning she seemed more confident. This afternoon, she's shaky, uncertain, every bone in her body trembling, it feels like.]

Ben. I lost time. [This is an excuse, she knows.]

He made me dinner, Ben.

public } voice

[She cuts the feed on, then off. On/off, on/off, in strange but rhythmic patterns like Morse code.]

[She's fishing. Questions, accusations will come - she remembers that much from last time, with her real father, with Garret Hobbs, the Shrike. She wants them now. She doesn't want to wait.]

public } spam

[She doesn't change her routine, not even slightly. Which is not to say she's not afraid: she's terrified. There's no Freddie Lounds here to publicly doctor this story, to minimize her shame. Even if there was, she honestly isn't sure she'd want that anymore.]

[So she walks the halls and accepts what comes, goes to the art room, goes to lunch, visits Ben on his shift. Sometimes she goes to the CES and forgets where she is and how time passes. Hours and hours go by as she sits under a tree with her knees pulled up to her chest.]

[This is the only vulnerability she shows, and it is accidental.]

private } zane

I know what he wants from me so I can ask him for information if that's what you want.

[It's about the Emperor, of course; she no longer has the privilege, in her own mind, of contacting Zane for any reason other than business.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Why do you love Ben?

[This isn't the question she meant to ask first. But maybe it's the most important. Ben is the other common thread between them, besides precocious overthinking.]

[Again, she finds herself defensive of him. It's probably unwarranted - but she is, just in case.]

[She breathes sharply, just a touch. She hurt him badly, recently, probably more than Abigail knows. They're fixing it, but Anya still feels terrible about it. And - it's so much. But she'll try to put it into words.]

We're similar, in a lot of ways. Or we went through similar things. We were both very isolated, for a long time. We both lived in fear of masters that had nearly unlimited power. We were both treated like less than - real people.

And he came through that, and he's so kind and brave and smart, even when he doesn't understand things. And - he always was, you know? He used to tell stories, to the other kids he was trapped with, trying to give them hope, trying to give their lives meaning and safety and brightness that was so stripped away from them. It's who he is, trying to understand, trying to make things better.

He's helped me through some terrible things. Even when he barely knew me yet. He's strong and brittle and gentle and - he's just. He's Ben. I don't know how anybody doesn't love him, not if he lets them see him at all.

[She exhales - swiftly and loudly. This isn't a good answer. It's not a logical answer. He's Ben doesn't make any kind of sense. But it's also the only right answer, the only one Abigail would have believed. Ben is just what he is.]

[Unseen, she presses her hands to her lips and finds herself grounded by his strength and brittleness and gentle heart, by his tenacity in the face of insanity, his stubborn strength. These are also the reasons she loves Ben. These are the reasons Ben should be loved.]

Okay. [A fluttering breath, and again:] Okay.

Your turn.

How do you feel about Ben?

[The one thing she really wants to know, the one thing she wouldn't rather wait and let Abigail reveal in her own time. But she's tied to Ben, he feels a duty toward her let alone his personal care and concern, and Anya more than anyone knows what a multitude of sins protectiveness can hide.]

Edited 2013-10-18 21:03 (UTC)

I trust him.

[Which means more than saying she loves him. She loves lots of people she doesn't trust - Hannibal, of course, being the prime example - but trust is so exceedingly rare in her that it's worth noting.]

I trust him, and I admire him. And I think he understands me as well as anyone can.

I'll also kill anyone who tries to hurt him. [Dryly:] I don't think he's all that happy about that, but we can't always get what we want.

[That makes her smile, a little, all of it together.]

No, I suppose he wouldn't be. But I'm glad - I'm glad you're in his corner as much as he's in yours.

He deserves people in his corner.

[She is fervent and dead serious about this. He deserves; he needs.]

[She couldn't agree more. She gives a small, decisive nod.]

Your turn.

Who here is your enemy?

[This presented neutrally, so she doesn't reveal her threefold purpose: to figure out if they are working at cross purposes, if any of Anya's enemies are her friends or vice versa; to figure out who to protect her from, for Ben's sake; and to decide who to investigate further, for her own.]

Two-Face is going to come after me eventually.

[Blunt but calm. The context is as important as the name; she isn't after him - except in the complicated way that involves trying to help Harvey - but she knows it's coming, and isn't afraid.]

I managed to piss Sylvanas off pretty royally by being Arthas's volunteer zombie, but I think I'll be okay as long as I stay out of her way. There isn't really anyone else. I try not to make many enemies.

[Anya wouldn't spit on Elena if she were on fire - a high bar for someone who has actually burned - but she's decided not to try anything against her, either. She's doing her best to give Raven the benefit of the doubt. Junko - her beautiful, mad, brilliant enemy, her worst friend - Junko is gone.]

fifth ♢ private + voice + spam

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