versusnurture | twenty ♢ private & spam

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twenty ♢ private & spam

private/voice } ben

I want to go.

[This quiet but insistent. She wants to go. She hasn't been outside in so long. She wants to go.]

[She doesn't want to go alone, though.]

private/voice } will

[She debates not contacting him. She's still angry at what she considers to be his betrayal, but - well, he's still Will. They were still supposed to be family. And she thinks he will understand her need for quiet, for green, for whatever there is to find out there.]

Did you see what it is yet? Outside.

spam } throughout port

[Most of her time is spent with Ben or near Ben. She isn't yet confident enough to venture out on her own much, so she stays close and takes short walks away from their site.]

[She explores the woods, carefully and slowly, making sure not to disturb anything irreparably. Her father taught her how to walk without a sound, and she remembers him whenever she sees an animal. She doesn't try to hunt anything. They have enough food.]

[Occasionally she comes up behind someone and goes still, freezing like a deer in headlights, as if she expects to be reprimanded for getting so close. Occasionally she'll watch someone from a distance. Once she climbs a tree, just to get a better vantage point, and sits twenty-five feet above the ground for several hours, just because it feels nice to be above it all and the breeze is refreshing.]

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Layers are a good idea. That's good planning.

[Why isn't he arguing with her? Because he's Ben. Part of her remembers this, part of her trusts it, most of her is confused but doesn't want to question it. There's the sound of her fingers drumming on her desk, then:]

Boots. Hiking boots. Worn in so I don't get blisters.

[And:]

A knife.

[She always comes back to the knife, no matter what.]

[Ben doesn't argue. Sometimes he undermines, he frequently evades, he corrects, but he doesn't typically argue as a rule. It's as much his leftover conditioning as his preference, but here and now, there's nothing to argue.

Abigail wants to go out. She wants Ben to go with her, so he will. Simple.]

What kind of knife?

A hunting knife.

[She pauses, then, feeling the nagging need to explain, even though she thinks Ben of all people will understand:]

It's multipurpose. I can defend myself, and I can find us things to eat, too. I know how to - you know I know how to hunt.

[She sounds vaguely ashamed.]

[He does understand and, despite her shame and her strange desperation, it is the only answer he would have been satisfied with regardless.

He feels the familiar spark of anger when he registers that shame, but like the rest of him, he can hold it at bay without needing to look at it when he has to. For now, he knows he has to.]

Yes. You also know that you only have to if you want to. Or you may use it to carve pictures into tree trunks if that would be preferable. [Something harmless, something both useful and not, something outside both of their realms of experience.

Or she can hunt.]

I will bring one. You may have it while we are in port.

I want to be useful.

[This, for once, is not a pathological need. She simply wants to keep herself occupied during the port. She thinks it will make her feel better. She thinks it might make her feel whole.]

[Her voice is soft with gratitude when he says all right.]

Will you hunt with me?

I understand.

I. [But he hesitates, then, because he does understand the desire to be useful, and he hears something that he has to stop and consider when she asks, confirm for himself.]

Would you like me to? [They were going to hunt, before. They never did. This, too, he must start from the beginning.]

[The question takes her by surprise. She would have thought the answer would be obvious.]

Yes. I do. You were . . . going to show me something, weren't you?

[Something about hunting. Something important.]

[The answer is obvious, but so much is designed to be; and furthermore, in Ben's experience there is the expected answer and the true answer. He wants Abigail to want him along because she wants him there, no matter the reason, not because she feels she is expected to, or obligated to.

And in his experience, it is not always clear even to the individual holding the opinion.]

We were going to test a theory. We were going to try a different method for overcoming fear.

I want to try a different method for overcoming fear.

[Her tone is almost identical to his, repeating his words back to him. She barely even realizes she's doing it. It just seems natural. It seems like the right answer.]

[It also happens to be true - along with the fact that she wants him because she feels safe with him, because she wants to spend time with him. But those things seem less important than getting the answer right.]

Then we shall.

Do you remember the principles behind this theoretical method?

[Ben has never been manipulative, and he is not now; his tone makes no question of the fact that he genuinely wants to know, as well as he is curious if she truly understands it. If it is still a new method, if it would still cause more good than harm if successful.

Ben is more familiar than he cares to be with the stress fractures in an otherwise sturdy structure; with how, if pressure applied can be spread effectively, the whole parts will hold. If too much, or not deftly, the entire effort comes crashing down. Abigail had, before she disappeared, been ready for the test of pressure; is she still? Is she more than before? He doesn't, yet, know.]

I remember . . .

[She trails off. She remembers parts of it, but not the whole. She remembers - movement, instead of stagnation.]

[She doesn't think she remembers how to move, though.]

You said - it was something we could do to be proactive. I. Could do, to be proactive. To help with the nightmares. To confront instead of avoid. I--

I didn't have nightmares. Before. When I wasn't here. I didn't - but I'm having them now. [This seems like something he should know.]

[It is something he should know, and he knows that the moment he hears it; unfortunately he isn't sure what it means. Only part of that is because of the language.]

Action instead of reaction requires more strength. A different kind of strength, one that makes security possible even in adversity.

Can you explain to me about the nightmares?

Am I strong like that? [As though he'll have the answers; she chastises herself for the stupidity of the question in the next moment, under her breath:] How would he know? [Her words rattle with self-loathing, and she has to draw in a sharp breath to regain control of herself again, even if momentarily.]

[Explain about the nightmares. Okay. She can do that.]

While I was with him. With Hannibal. I didn't dream. I barely - I don't know if I slept. Much. But now I'm dreaming again. About all those girls, and about Alana, and - darkness.

[She laughs, low and hollow.]

Something coming to get me in the darkness. The boogeyman. I don't know.

Yes.

[She chastises herself for foolishness but he answers immediately, without hesitation. She is strong like that and more. He knows because he's seen it, but she won't believe him right now, not about herself and not about his motives. It will take time.

Everything takes time.]

We've talked about something similar to this before. Do you remember?

I don't know. I don't - remember.

[Her voice is all impotent confusion, loss.]

We talked about lots of things. We talked about everything.

The body hurts in one way. The mind hurts in another.

Sometimes, merely knowing that something is what it is can give you the tools you need to defy the fear it causes in you. Sometimes not.

We can start there, if you like.

{Again.]

. . . Okay. Okay. We can try.

So what is . . . what it is? Where are we starting? There are so many different threads, Ben, it's so hard to unravel.

[She doesn't remember the last time she's begged for help like this.]

I know.

[He knows very well, recognizes the plea in her voice; not from her, but from himself. We never should have left. Everything made sense there.

They have time, and he knows the one thing he needed to hear, then, and never did:]

You don't have to unravel it alone. I will help you find the ends.

For now, what it is, is we are going to go down to this planet and see what there is to see. We will camp, we will hunt, and we will see where that takes us.

. . . Okay.

[She can do that. One little thing at a time. She can do that. She won't be afraid.]

I can be patient. I promise.

I believe you.

I will put in the request with the Admiral, and meet you on the deck.

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