versusnurture | twenty-two ♢ spam & voice & spam

spam } dillon

[Like rising through the very top layer of the ocean, which is sunny and hard to distinguish from air until you reach air and realize what all you've been missing. It's so bright and beautiful even in the dull light of her room once she opens her eyes that it makes her smile at first. Before she remembers.]

[And then she thinks, in the grand scheme of things, in the grand scheme it wasn't so bad. She's been done seen worse things, it isn't so terrible, it's not, it isn't. She's okay. She's been okay. She will keep being okay.]

[She's thinking this as she sits up, as she begins to whimper, as she claws at the blanket around her throat as if it's trying to suffocate her. A scream begins to bubble up in her chest; try as she might to smother it, she can't quite. It keeps trying to be names, Ben Hannibal Will Daddy, and then in the end it's nothing, just wordless crying. She claps her hands over her ear and the open space. Hear no evil, she thinks, and help me, but she's forgotten how to move.]

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I heard there was a memorial. And it's over.

Is it over?

public } spam

[She's in the greenhouse, looking for rosehips.]

[This is insane and she knows it. Not just unwise, but insane. The smell of them makes her sick ever since, ever since, and the song makes her crazy, but she hums it anyway, because the memorial is over and she knows she's the only one mourning him. So she touches the flowers and looks for rosehips and mourns in flat silence.]

[Later, the same silence carries her to the chapel, where she sits in the back. She wishes there were raised seats, a hidden place, but this is what there is so this is what she takes. It's probably an awful thing to do, to pray to something that never was a god and that she never believed in for someone who never understood, but she does that anyway, too. For Ben, not for Hannibal. Even she would never pray for Hannibal.]

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[He tried not to hover when she went into coma. He tried not to worry that the Abigail he met was the same as the one asleep. He tried very hard to keep busy. He tried very hard keep his panic and guilt pushed down deep.]

[For all his trying, it only just kept him together. He approaches her in the greenhouse but stops short, unable to get any words out. He takes a second the moves cautiously into her peripheral view. Maybe he can remember how to speak by the time she sees him.]

[It's a relief to see him. Not the heavy kind of relief that weighs you down, but the kind that buoys you up. She feels a little like she might be floating, and smiles softly at him with disbelief.]

[Reaching out her hand, she presses the other to the greatest change - the empty space where her ear used to be, covering it up again. She doesn't want him to see.]

Arkin.

[It takes only a few seconds for all the worry to be lifted. This is Abigail. The one he knew.]

Abigail.

[He crosses the distance between them, reaching out to take her hand.] I'm sorry, I should have come back sooner.

[She squeezes his fingers tightly, feeling his muscle and bone under her own.]

No. You shouldn't have. It would just have been worse.

How's home?

[Now that gets a look of concern. Even if things were bad, he'd rather he'd been there for it. But there's nothing to be done about it now.]

My family is safe, there's no way he can get to them. I'll get to him on my next trip back. [he's about to say more but changes his mind.]

Are you... okay?

Edited 2014-11-18 00:17 (UTC)

[Another squeeze of his fingers. She wants to tell him everything, but she changes her mind, too. Once she told him a lot of things all at once because she wanted to test him, but now . . . it's too exhausting testing people all the time. Especially when they just leave.]

I'm sad, Arkin. Everybody keeps leaving.

I know, I wish I could change that. [If she let's him, he'll hug her.]

But I came back, didn't I?

You came back.

[She lets him hug her, burying her face in his shoulder for a minute.]

I missed you. But I don't understand what you're here for. You got your deal. You shouldn't have to be here to get another one.

I just - I missed you. And I don't want you to go. But I'm scared for you, too.

[He takes a deep breath. Nothing he can think of really sound sufficient in his mind.] You're right, I don't gotta be here. Don't really need another deal.

[He pulls back to look at her.] As long as you're here, I don't need a reason to come back.

No!

[Oh, she could hit him, she could scream, she could - her hands ball into furious little fists and she digs her nails into her palms to keep from doing anything stupid.]

Arkin, no, you can't let this place happen to you because of me, that isn't fair!

[He wouldn't take it personally if she did hit him.]

Listen, I don't see this place like you do. This place is safe for me. It's the world back home that I don't wanna have happen to me.

I've told you what I've been through and this place hasn't even come close to that hell.

[He takes a step back.]

I'd rather be here. I'm not ready to face him. I tried-- [he shakes his head voice.] I need to be certain I won't just crawl back into that trunk and let him have me.

Nowhere is safe!

[She hisses through her teeth, but oh - this is Arkin, this is who she remembers. Her friend, her family, her something, she doesn't know. She wants to keep him close. She wants to kill for him. She can feel rage rising like bile.]

Nowhere, nowhere is safe, Arkin. Not even here.

He could come here, Arkin.

[He doesn't look surprised, only a little startled. He gets a far off look.]

I want him to. [His voice sounds alien to his ears.]

[His eyes refocus on her.] He can't control me here. Even if he's here.

[She focuses on him, laser-sharp, eyes like hooks.]

If he was here.

Arkin, what would you do?

[She wants revenge. She wants blood. She is so angry.]

[His expression softens and a smile creeps in.]

I'd show him how death works.

[Her face crumples. Relief. He hasn't changed.]

I missed you so much.

I wish you could have come home with me.

Me, too. I wish that too.

You missed my - my friend, who came. For a while. And then he left.

[He remembers her mentioning a 'friend' before... the same one?]

Sorry to hear that. Who was he?

Will.

He killed my dad.

[Now the pieces are sliding together.]

Makes him pretty important then, huh?

Yeah. He's pretty important.

You remind me of him, a little, but you know what you want better. And you don't have that hook in me. I wish you could've met him.

I would've liked to.

To be honest, I would've probably killed your dad too. [Half joke, because he would but probably not with a gun.]

[Her lip twists at this, as if she's not sure whether to smile or frown.]

It's confusing. I . . . miss him.

But I would have liked that, anyway.

Missin' people is kind of natural, isn't it?

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