versusnurture | Entries tagged with i am a human monster

( private } ben & elena; cw fire imagery )

video

[Everything is, in its own way, a production. Even this. She's posed herself carefully, sitting on her bed and framed in light from the window, so that she looks older, more poised than she feels. What she feels is afraid. Overwhelmed. Not ready.]

[But she has to be ready, which is why she makes herself smile like nothing and nobody can touch her anymore.]

I'm not as good at telling stories as Ben is. But I want to tell this one, if that's okay, because it's important to me. Some of you know it. If you do, I hope it's all right that I repeat it.

[She looks down for a moment, at her hands where they twist together in her lap, and then up at the camera. The smile reaches her eyes, now, because she can feel the strength coming, making her spine straighter and her breath come smoother.]

Just over two years ago now - two years ago for me - my dad died. He'd killed a bunch of girls who looked just like me, and I had helped him. Because I didn't know what else to do, mostly, and because if I didn't, he said he was going to kill me, too.

I didn't want anyone to know what I'd done. I didn't want anybody to think badly of me. I worked so hard to keep myself safe that I ended up killing somebody else, and then . . .

Some of you remember Hannibal.

[She clears her throat, forces her hands to flatten out on the bed beside her.]

It's so easy to trust the wrong person. It's so easy. I trusted so many of them, and I got so many people hurt. I want to apologize, but most of the people I hurt are gone now. For those of you who are still here, I'd take it back if I could. I'm sorry for making the wrong decision.

But I'm not sorry for surviving.

[Now her eyes blaze with confidence, her words coming stronger with every breath.]

Ben saved my life. You all saved my life. So thank you. I'm going now.

I'm going to kill Hannibal.

[She hopes beyond hope that he comes back here. But that part she won't say out loud, just biting her lip, smiling, waving - and killing the feed.]

( dillon. )

public } text

I heard there was a memorial. And it's over.

Is it over?

public } spam

[She's in the greenhouse, looking for rosehips.]

[This is insane and she knows it. Not just unwise, but insane. The smell of them makes her sick ever since, ever since, and the song makes her crazy, but she hums it anyway, because the memorial is over and she knows she's the only one mourning him. So she touches the flowers and looks for rosehips and mourns in flat silence.]

[Later, the same silence carries her to the chapel, where she sits in the back. She wishes there were raised seats, a hidden place, but this is what there is so this is what she takes. It's probably an awful thing to do, to pray to something that never was a god and that she never believed in for someone who never understood, but she does that anyway, too. For Ben, not for Hannibal. Even she would never pray for Hannibal.]

do just what the captain says

& hang the rest

Entries tagged with i am a human monster

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a perfectionist;