Abigail Hobbs (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
versusnurture) wrote2014-11-14 10:01 pm
versusnurture) wrote2014-11-14 10:01 pm
Entry tags:
- & at the end of it all,
- a predictable deterioration,
- ben & the blue lady,
- daddy's daughter,
- entropy which is,
- everything has to fall apart,
- i am a human monster,
- i won't ease your strain,
- i won't soothe your pain,
- lies of course,
- the final phenomenon of deterioration,
- we turn up the oh god all alone,
- when the creative energy ceases
twenty-two ♢ spam & voice & spam
spam } dillon
[Like rising through the very top layer of the ocean, which is sunny and hard to distinguish from air until you reach air and realize what all you've been missing. It's so bright and beautiful even in the dull light of her room once she opens her eyes that it makes her smile at first. Before she remembers.]
[And then she thinks, in the grand scheme of things, in the grand scheme it wasn't so bad. She's been done seen worse things, it isn't so terrible, it's not, it isn't. She's okay. She's been okay. She will keep being okay.]
[She's thinking this as she sits up, as she begins to whimper, as she claws at the blanket around her throat as if it's trying to suffocate her. A scream begins to bubble up in her chest; try as she might to smother it, she can't quite. It keeps trying to be names, Ben Hannibal Will Daddy, and then in the end it's nothing, just wordless crying. She claps her hands over her ear and the open space. Hear no evil, she thinks, and help me, but she's forgotten how to move.]
public } text
I heard there was a memorial. And it's over.
Is it over?
public } spam
[She's in the greenhouse, looking for rosehips.]
[This is insane and she knows it. Not just unwise, but insane. The smell of them makes her sick ever since, ever since, and the song makes her crazy, but she hums it anyway, because the memorial is over and she knows she's the only one mourning him. So she touches the flowers and looks for rosehips and mourns in flat silence.]
[Later, the same silence carries her to the chapel, where she sits in the back. She wishes there were raised seats, a hidden place, but this is what there is so this is what she takes. It's probably an awful thing to do, to pray to something that never was a god and that she never believed in for someone who never understood, but she does that anyway, too. For Ben, not for Hannibal. Even she would never pray for Hannibal.]
[Like rising through the very top layer of the ocean, which is sunny and hard to distinguish from air until you reach air and realize what all you've been missing. It's so bright and beautiful even in the dull light of her room once she opens her eyes that it makes her smile at first. Before she remembers.]
[And then she thinks, in the grand scheme of things, in the grand scheme it wasn't so bad. She's been done seen worse things, it isn't so terrible, it's not, it isn't. She's okay. She's been okay. She will keep being okay.]
[She's thinking this as she sits up, as she begins to whimper, as she claws at the blanket around her throat as if it's trying to suffocate her. A scream begins to bubble up in her chest; try as she might to smother it, she can't quite. It keeps trying to be names, Ben Hannibal Will Daddy, and then in the end it's nothing, just wordless crying. She claps her hands over her ear and the open space. Hear no evil, she thinks, and help me, but she's forgotten how to move.]
public } text
I heard there was a memorial. And it's over.
Is it over?
public } spam
[She's in the greenhouse, looking for rosehips.]
[This is insane and she knows it. Not just unwise, but insane. The smell of them makes her sick ever since, ever since, and the song makes her crazy, but she hums it anyway, because the memorial is over and she knows she's the only one mourning him. So she touches the flowers and looks for rosehips and mourns in flat silence.]
[Later, the same silence carries her to the chapel, where she sits in the back. She wishes there were raised seats, a hidden place, but this is what there is so this is what she takes. It's probably an awful thing to do, to pray to something that never was a god and that she never believed in for someone who never understood, but she does that anyway, too. For Ben, not for Hannibal. Even she would never pray for Hannibal.]
no subject
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
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No. I mean, Stiles, he's practically my brother. But I was an only child.
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Me, too.
I decided that I never wanted to have siblings, because it would be bad for them. But if I could, I'd want them to be like you.
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I think you'd have been a good sister. [He just wishes she had a better family, or no father, or something. He'd have welcomed her into his family in a heartbeat.]
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I wouldn't have. Not back then. I'd have been jealous and insecure and cruel. But maybe I would be now.
I know what family means, now. More than I did then, anyway.
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You'd be a great sister, now. I bet I could stand sharing a bathroom with you.
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You don't know that. I might take forever to do my hair.
[She super doesn't, though.]
no subject
That's okay I totally do.