twenty-nine ♢ private & video

[versusnurture]

private } ben

[She's shaking-angry when she goes to sleep, but when she wakes up the next morning, it's like everything's gone. Resentment lives under her skin, but she isn't consumed anymore, like she might go up if the flame of her anger isn't doused. She feels safe. She feels whole.]

[She gets up, goes to the bathroom, washes her face and brushes her teeth on autopilot. She's already gotten used to having a bathroom off of her cabin. It's amazing how little time it took, how used she is to something that was a luxury a month ago.]

[As she turns to head out the door to meet Scott at the clinic, her fingers brush across the Go stone, Ben's item, to pick it up, to take it with her - and she freezes.]

[It's ice cold.]

[In a flash, she's dropped it on the floor, run out of her cabin, and slammed the door. She pulls out her communicator with shaking fingers, calling the only person she trusts to help her in this situation.]

Ben? I need you.

private } elena

[This is the part she was dreading. She tries not to, though. She knows that what Elena said before is true. They're both strong people, and they can only get stronger with time. Nobody can keep them down anymore.]

Elena? I need to talk to you.

video

[Everything is, in its own way, a production. Even this. She's posed herself carefully, sitting on her bed and framed in light from the window, so that she looks older, more poised than she feels. What she feels is afraid. Overwhelmed. Not ready.]

[But she has to be ready, which is why she makes herself smile like nothing and nobody can touch her anymore.]

I'm not as good at telling stories as Ben is. But I want to tell this one, if that's okay, because it's important to me. Some of you know it. If you do, I hope it's all right that I repeat it.

[She looks down for a moment, at her hands where they twist together in her lap, and then up at the camera. The smile reaches her eyes, now, because she can feel the strength coming, making her spine straighter and her breath come smoother.]

Just over two years ago now - two years ago for me - my dad died. He'd killed a bunch of girls who looked just like me, and I had helped him. Because I didn't know what else to do, mostly, and because if I didn't, he said he was going to kill me, too.

I didn't want anyone to know what I'd done. I didn't want anybody to think badly of me. I worked so hard to keep myself safe that I ended up killing somebody else, and then . . .

Some of you remember Hannibal.

[She clears her throat, forces her hands to flatten out on the bed beside her.]

It's so easy to trust the wrong person. It's so easy. I trusted so many of them, and I got so many people hurt. I want to apologize, but most of the people I hurt are gone now. For those of you who are still here, I'd take it back if I could. I'm sorry for making the wrong decision.

But I'm not sorry for surviving.

[Now her eyes blaze with confidence, her words coming stronger with every breath.]

Ben saved my life. You all saved my life. So thank you. I'm going now.

I'm going to kill Hannibal.

[She hopes beyond hope that he comes back here. But that part she won't say out loud, just biting her lip, smiling, waving - and killing the feed.]

Comments

[versusnurture]

I can't take that chance. My hair's too pretty.

[He smells good in the same way Scott does, like soap and boy, but with a touch of ozone around him, too. She's going to miss him. She feels bad that he's going to miss her.]

[When she pulls away and looks up at him again, she cups his cheek gently and holds his hand.]

What are you thinking? [Is he proud?]

[orderfromchaos]

I'm thinking that.

[He blinks, but her hand holds him steady, and he doesn't glance away.]

I couldn't do it, go after him, and have it be - right, for the right reasons, the right way. But you can. You will, it's in you, burning bright and lovely and true and. I'm really grateful for that.

[versusnurture]

You see it?

[Or does he just know it, just know the way that she knows, feeling it burn behind the heavy bones of her ribcage, a righteous covenant with the world: this is what she must do.]

[orderfromchaos]

It gets...hazy, past the tips of your fingers. It's happening in a world I never got a close look at.

Let's say I have faith.

[In her, in the way she holds her spine, in the light of her eyes.]

[versusnurture]

[That makes her smile, wide and bright, and she tries to pour as much of her own happiness towards him as she can. Her heart swells.]

I have faith in me, too.

It's a good feeling.

[orderfromchaos]

Yeah.

[He does The Forehead Thing, a gentle press against hers.]

You were the first really good friend I ever had, you know.

[versusnurture]

You, too. Except for Marissa.

[A pang of regret, here. She could bring Marissa back, if she was a warden. But it seems like meddling. It seems wrong.]

[orderfromchaos]

[He doesn't know - exactly, the words she's thinking. But her face in an echo of everything he's thought about his parents, about so many people.]

It's okay. To - go for the future.

[versusnurture]

Yeah. I know. Logically, I know.

[But sometimes it still feels wrong, immoral. Selfish.]

Ben gave me his deal, you know.

[orderfromchaos]

...I didn't, actually.

[versusnurture]

Well, he did. He's the most generous person I know.

It's going to help me get this done. I could just use it to kill Hannibal, I know. But that's not how I want to do this.

[orderfromchaos]

I can understand that. It wouldn't -

[Feel right.]

[versusnurture]

I hope he comes back here.

I hope it's okay that - I hope that.

[She still loves him. It's naive and stupid, but she does.]

[orderfromchaos]

[He breathes out a slow breath.]

...I think that's why it has to be you.

[If Dillon destroyed him, Hannibal would win, in a way. This - everything about this - will be her triumph.]

[versusnurture]

[She squeezes him tight around the middle, buries her face in the cool pressed cotton of his shirt.]

I'm glad you understand. I'm glad you're not mad at me.

[orderfromchaos]

[He runs a hand over her hair.]

I'm not mad. I'm so damn proud of you.

[He maybe chokes a little. It just makes it better, that she can be so purely driven where his own motives are muddled, because he has been able to love her without distorting her, because it is entirely her own. He is so grateful for this.]

[versusnurture]

[She is her own, now, maybe for the first time in her entire life - her own person, her own star. She shines only for herself. Maybe that's selfish, but she's earned the right to be selfish for a little while.]

I'm proud of you, too. You're pretty cool for a god, Dillon Cole.

[orderfromchaos]

[He laughs his way to a rueful grin, knocks their foreheads together slightly less gently than he would normally do.]

...shut up.

[versusnurture]

[She winces, bonks his head back. Jerk.]

No way.

[orderfromchaos]

Uhg, fine.

Love you.

[versusnurture]

Love you, Dillon. Love you forever.

[orderfromchaos]

Can i visit you, sometime?

[versusnurture]

Once Hannibal's gone. Then you can come.

[It's just a matter of good housekeeping. World housekeeping.]

[orderfromchaos]

I will.

Do you know what you want to do after?

[versusnurture]

I don't know. I'm still deciding. I feel like there are - so many options.

[It's a little overwhelming.]