versusnurture | twenty-nine ♢ private & video

twenty-nine ♢ private & video

private } ben

[She's shaking-angry when she goes to sleep, but when she wakes up the next morning, it's like everything's gone. Resentment lives under her skin, but she isn't consumed anymore, like she might go up if the flame of her anger isn't doused. She feels safe. She feels whole.]

[She gets up, goes to the bathroom, washes her face and brushes her teeth on autopilot. She's already gotten used to having a bathroom off of her cabin. It's amazing how little time it took, how used she is to something that was a luxury a month ago.]

[As she turns to head out the door to meet Scott at the clinic, her fingers brush across the Go stone, Ben's item, to pick it up, to take it with her - and she freezes.]

[It's ice cold.]

[In a flash, she's dropped it on the floor, run out of her cabin, and slammed the door. She pulls out her communicator with shaking fingers, calling the only person she trusts to help her in this situation.]

Ben? I need you.

private } elena

[This is the part she was dreading. She tries not to, though. She knows that what Elena said before is true. They're both strong people, and they can only get stronger with time. Nobody can keep them down anymore.]

Elena? I need to talk to you.

video

[Everything is, in its own way, a production. Even this. She's posed herself carefully, sitting on her bed and framed in light from the window, so that she looks older, more poised than she feels. What she feels is afraid. Overwhelmed. Not ready.]

[But she has to be ready, which is why she makes herself smile like nothing and nobody can touch her anymore.]

I'm not as good at telling stories as Ben is. But I want to tell this one, if that's okay, because it's important to me. Some of you know it. If you do, I hope it's all right that I repeat it.

[She looks down for a moment, at her hands where they twist together in her lap, and then up at the camera. The smile reaches her eyes, now, because she can feel the strength coming, making her spine straighter and her breath come smoother.]

Just over two years ago now - two years ago for me - my dad died. He'd killed a bunch of girls who looked just like me, and I had helped him. Because I didn't know what else to do, mostly, and because if I didn't, he said he was going to kill me, too.

I didn't want anyone to know what I'd done. I didn't want anybody to think badly of me. I worked so hard to keep myself safe that I ended up killing somebody else, and then . . .

Some of you remember Hannibal.

[She clears her throat, forces her hands to flatten out on the bed beside her.]

It's so easy to trust the wrong person. It's so easy. I trusted so many of them, and I got so many people hurt. I want to apologize, but most of the people I hurt are gone now. For those of you who are still here, I'd take it back if I could. I'm sorry for making the wrong decision.

But I'm not sorry for surviving.

[Now her eyes blaze with confidence, her words coming stronger with every breath.]

Ben saved my life. You all saved my life. So thank you. I'm going now.

I'm going to kill Hannibal.

[She hopes beyond hope that he comes back here. But that part she won't say out loud, just biting her lip, smiling, waving - and killing the feed.]

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[She's going to have to do this on her own, but she feels so prepared, so ready. Excited, even, to take this next step in her life, to be alive again. Even though it means leaving Elena - and even though that hurts - she knows that she needs it. She knows that this is the right choice.]

[Her eyes slip closed as Elena leans against her, and she rocks them gently back and forth, murmuring in a quiet voice.]

I don't think I could if I tried. You can't forget me either, okay?

[Elena makes a small, soft hum of amusement, smiling without opening her eyes.]

I don't think I could forget you even if someone tried to compel the memories away, Abigail.

[Abigail has meant so much to Elena. Words seem to fall short of explaining all the ways that she's changed Elena. It's been so long since Elena's felt like she was part of a relationship, instead of being consumed by it. She's been made stronger and better for having known Abigail. In some ways, Abigail saved her more than any warden could have. But Elena had to do the work. And that made all the difference.]

[She laces her fingers with Elena's, holding both of her hands swinging at their sides. Her eyes still brim with tears, but she's breathing steady now, her heart beating normally. She isn't even afraid anymore.]

What are you going to do when you get home? When you save your brother? What's going to happen then?

I'm going to get a house. Out in the country, where I have space to just be. And I'm going to - to get a dog, maybe, and I'm going to take lots of pictures, and I'm going to be happy. Tell me what you're gonna do.

[Elena smiles wider at Abigail's plans. It sounds beautiful. It sounds...perfect. But really, she doesn't know what she's going to do with her life exactly. She's been so focused, so stuck on just the idea of getting her brother back that she hasn't thought that far ahead. And she should. She should have plans and ideas for things beyond right now, beyond the Barge.]

I'm going to find a place for Jer and me to live. [Seeing as how she burned their family home to the ground when he died, whoops.] He's going to finish up high school and I'm thinking I might actually do that whole college thing. Even though honestly, I have no idea what I want to be.

I guess I got time to figure that out.

That's part of what college is for, though, right? Figuring everything out?

I haven't decided if I want to go back.

[So many places are going to be closed to her because of what she's done, because of what she's going to do. Maybe some correspondence school or something. She doesn't know.]

Where do you want to live?

I'll stay in Mystic Falls. At least until Jeremy's done with high school.

[She'll have to leave it eventually, of course. It's just a matter of when rather than if. It's a weird and scary thought to think that Mystic Falls won't be home forever. That it can't be. Not that she ever had that much ambition to stay there forever even when she was human. But she had the expectation that she could always go back whenever she wanted. Now? Now she's going to have to wait a generation or two once people start to realize she's not aging like she's supposed to.]

After that... I don't know. I'll probably try to stay for at least a few more years. Not all of my friends are vampires and I'd like to be near them for as long as I can.

Will you tell him about me?

[This a little wistful, a little sad. She wants to be known to people, she wants it to be known that she was important to Elena's life, but she just can't imagine explaining this place to anyone, not even people used to the supernatural. It's just too much.]

[Elena laughs a little and nods.]

Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to tell him all about you.

I'll tell him about how we met, how we weren't the best of people at the time. I'll tell him about how one of the first things I felt again was caring about you. I'll tell him how brave and beautiful you were through all of this.

[She can imagine Jeremy's reaction to hearing about any of it once he got past his disbelief. He'd start urging Elena to go find Abigail. To go be with her instead of staying behind in Mystic Falls, that he could take care of himself and that she'd done enough for him. But it's not that simple. It'll never be that simple.]

He'll know how much we loved each other through everything.

[It'll never be that simple, just like Abigail will never stop loving Elena. They can't be together, not because they don't love each other, but because there's too much of the world in their way. There are too many other things they need to do, too many other people they're responsible for.]

[Abigail understands this. She's accepted it. That doesn't mean she has to like it.]

[But she smiles when she hears Elena, that she will be honest about the Barge, that she'll share what's happened to the both of them. She can't believe how lucky she's been, how honored, to know Elena, to love her, to be with her.]

It's a good story, don't you think? Kind of like a fairy tale?

Without a stupid prince getting in the way, [Elena says with a small nod.]

[No one will write their story for them anymore. There are some things that neither Elena nor Abigail can control or account for. They are both aware of it and accept it when things happen. But they are the authors of the next chapters of their lives. Wherever they go, it will be because of they put themselves there.]

[It was a terrifying thought at first for Elena, when she realized she had that kind of power. But knowing it and using it come easily to her now. She thinks and she hopes it will be the same for Abigail.]

Perfect, [she says, and smiles, her heart full and ready to burst. She is ready, she thinks. Finally, finally, she's ready. To go out into the world, to conquer it, to make it her own. She wouldn't have gotten here without Elena - without Ben, without Derek, without a hundred other people - but she wouldn't have gotten here without herself, either.]

[She squeezes Elena's hand and backs up a little bit, giving her a serious look.]

You know what I have to go do now, right?

[Elena tips her head to one side, eyebrows slightly raised as she looks at Abigail questioningly, waiting for her to fill in the right answer.]

[She sighs. She was hoping she wouldn't have to spell this out; there's this funny feeling in her that Elena won't approve.]

I have to go kill Hannibal.

[Elena can't keep her mixed feelings about that hidden. Her stomach twists at hearing that, her gaze dropping as her brow furrows. She understands. She does. She wanted to kill Katherine herself for a while after everything that happened, but she stopped herself from doing it. She realized it wouldn't undo everything Katherine did to her and it wasn't her responsibility to put Katherine down either.]

[But it's not the same situation by a long-stretch, and she has to acknowledge that.]

[And, admittedly, it makes Elena a little afraid. She's scared that Abigail will get in over her head or that she'll get caught. That she'll just lose everything all over again over someone that isn't worth all of that. She doesn't look up, but keeps her voice even.]

How?

By brute force.

[She has no qualms about showing her anger, here, her intensity; her brow furrows and she leans forward, as if sharing secrets. Which, to her, this is. She even debated not telling Elena, because it's all too important to ever get back to Hannibal somehow, but - she can't keep a secret from her. Not her.]

He killed me. Twice. He won't be expecting me. When he sees me, he'll underestimate me. Where I'll get into trouble is if I allow myself to be drawn into his games. I won't give him time for that. I'm just going to attack.

Monsters have less power over you if you show them you're not afraid.

[Elena's sigh is a shaky one. She knows she's happier somewhere that Abigail's telling her this instead of hiding it, but she almost wishes she didn't know. She's worried. She's afraid of what this will do to Abigail. She's still looking down, but squeezes her eyes shut, pursing her lips into a thin, tight line.]

God, Abigail... [she breathes, opening her eyes and lifting her head.] I want to say I'm okay with this, but...

[She purses her lips again, swallowing hard.]

I'm not going to tell you what to do. I'm just going to tell you to be careful.

[Her smile is thin and small, but no less genuine for that, her eyes wide and open and honest. Nothing can sway her from this path. Nothing can make her change her mind. Not because it's revenge, but because it's what she has to do to survive. To save Will. To make her world a safe place again.]

[To take back her story.]

[She takes Elena's hand between both of hers and gives her a light kiss on the cheek, her lips barely brushing the softness of Elena's skin.]

You don't have to be okay with it. I won't change my mind. I just wanted to let you know what was going to happen.

I'll find way to send word to you that I'm okay, afterwards. I won't get hurt. I'll be careful.

[Elena nods, but she can't quite find it in herself to smooth the crease in her brow. Part of her wonder if it's fair of her to feel this way. That she should be more on board with Abigail doing what she needs to do. But she backed down from their plan for a reason and that's not something Elena's willing to change in herself, not even for Abigail.]

[Instead, she tries to push past it, trying at a weak smile.]

I'm gonna miss you.

[To Elena's weak smile, Abigail gives a bright one, bright and warm and confident.]

I'm going to miss you, too.

But we're going to be okay.

We are, [Elena agrees softly.]

[She can't make herself return the same bright smile as Abigail, so she settles for pulling her in for another tight hug. Just another chance to be close to her and let her senses be filled with everything Abigail.]

You're gonna be great.

We're gonna be great.

[She hugs Elena tightly, promising herself that she'll remember this forever: the way she feels under her hands, the way her body moves, the way she smells, the way she talks. Elena will be in her mind and in her heart forever.]

[Elena draws a sharp inhale at Abigail's use of the word "we." She doesn't suppose there is going to really be a "we" anymore. Not after today. It's a bigger pain than Elena's known in a long while and yet there's something incredibly familiar about it all the same. But that's not something that she wants to dwell upon right now.]

You probably have other people to tell, but can they wait? Just for another hour.

[It's delaying. It's prolonging it. It's going to probably make it harder for Elena to let go. It's also probably going to make it harder for Abigail to walk away. She knows it's horribly selfish. But she wants just a little more time with her. In this room. Just the two of them. No one and nothing else. Because Elena will make it count, if nothing else.]

[She looks up at Elena, a shocking amount of wisdom in her eyes. She knows exactly what Elena is doing; she knows it's a bad idea. But she also knows that it's what she wants, and she can stand to indulge herself a little bit, now. It might be bad, but it's not the worst thing she's ever done, and maybe - maybe they both deserve it.]

I'll wait as long as you want to have me.

[Which might be a cruel thing to say. Because maybe the answer is forever. Maybe once they sit down together, they'll never get up again - never want to let go.]

[Maybe, for an hour, she can pretend they'll have eternity.]

[The answer to that is forever. Maybe not her version of forever, of course, given that it really is that long, but definitely what would count as forever for Abigail. But she knows that's neither version of forever is really possible and somewhere deep down, regardless of how much she hoped for it, she knew that was the case. She just wasn't about to hesitate and let someone she wanted slip by her completely. She'd had enough of circumstances and other people taking control for her, thank you very much.]

[But an hour is all she asks for and all she will take. She leads Abigail over to her bed and lies down with her underneath the blankets. It's easier that way to imagine that they're in her room, her real room that no longer exists in Mystic Falls and that Abigail doesn't have to go anywhere. But if she does go, they'll see each other again tomorrow.]

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