versusnurture | twenty-nine ♢ private & video

twenty-nine ♢ private & video

private } ben

[She's shaking-angry when she goes to sleep, but when she wakes up the next morning, it's like everything's gone. Resentment lives under her skin, but she isn't consumed anymore, like she might go up if the flame of her anger isn't doused. She feels safe. She feels whole.]

[She gets up, goes to the bathroom, washes her face and brushes her teeth on autopilot. She's already gotten used to having a bathroom off of her cabin. It's amazing how little time it took, how used she is to something that was a luxury a month ago.]

[As she turns to head out the door to meet Scott at the clinic, her fingers brush across the Go stone, Ben's item, to pick it up, to take it with her - and she freezes.]

[It's ice cold.]

[In a flash, she's dropped it on the floor, run out of her cabin, and slammed the door. She pulls out her communicator with shaking fingers, calling the only person she trusts to help her in this situation.]

Ben? I need you.

private } elena

[This is the part she was dreading. She tries not to, though. She knows that what Elena said before is true. They're both strong people, and they can only get stronger with time. Nobody can keep them down anymore.]

Elena? I need to talk to you.

video

[Everything is, in its own way, a production. Even this. She's posed herself carefully, sitting on her bed and framed in light from the window, so that she looks older, more poised than she feels. What she feels is afraid. Overwhelmed. Not ready.]

[But she has to be ready, which is why she makes herself smile like nothing and nobody can touch her anymore.]

I'm not as good at telling stories as Ben is. But I want to tell this one, if that's okay, because it's important to me. Some of you know it. If you do, I hope it's all right that I repeat it.

[She looks down for a moment, at her hands where they twist together in her lap, and then up at the camera. The smile reaches her eyes, now, because she can feel the strength coming, making her spine straighter and her breath come smoother.]

Just over two years ago now - two years ago for me - my dad died. He'd killed a bunch of girls who looked just like me, and I had helped him. Because I didn't know what else to do, mostly, and because if I didn't, he said he was going to kill me, too.

I didn't want anyone to know what I'd done. I didn't want anybody to think badly of me. I worked so hard to keep myself safe that I ended up killing somebody else, and then . . .

Some of you remember Hannibal.

[She clears her throat, forces her hands to flatten out on the bed beside her.]

It's so easy to trust the wrong person. It's so easy. I trusted so many of them, and I got so many people hurt. I want to apologize, but most of the people I hurt are gone now. For those of you who are still here, I'd take it back if I could. I'm sorry for making the wrong decision.

But I'm not sorry for surviving.

[Now her eyes blaze with confidence, her words coming stronger with every breath.]

Ben saved my life. You all saved my life. So thank you. I'm going now.

I'm going to kill Hannibal.

[She hopes beyond hope that he comes back here. But that part she won't say out loud, just biting her lip, smiling, waving - and killing the feed.]

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What's wrong? Are you alright?

I'm okay. I'm--

Elena, I graduated.

[Elena draws a breath and then it just seems to hang there. It's a strange feeling to be so elated and yet feel so crushed all at the same time. She feels light-headed and like she might just fly right out of her seat to see Abigail in person, but can feel her stomach drop and her body becoming too heavy to move beneath this weight.]

[She smiles, wide and bright, but there are immediate tears in her eyes. Elena makes a sound somewhere between a laugh and a cry, covering her mouth and shaking her head. She needs a second to swallow, to take a deep breath again. She lowers her hand to speak.]

You graduated. Abigail, this is... I am so proud of you. I don't-- [Elena has to cover her mouth again at the bubble of laughter that escapes her.] I feel like I should have something really big and monumental and inspiring to say, but I just... [She looks elsewhere for a moment with her eyes and licks her lips.] I seriously can't think of anything other than I'm proud of you.

[Tears well to her eyes - again, again, it feels like all she's doing is crying today - when she sees how upset Elena is, how happy but how upset, too. She wants to make it better, but this is reality: there's no fixing it or changing it, it's just how it is, and they both know it. The most she can do is be there for Elena, just like Elena's going to be there for her. It'll hurt, but they'll make their way through it. Because they're the strongest people they know.]

You don't need to say anything inspiring. You're inspiring.

[It's a cheesy thing to say, but she means it with all her heart, her heavy, breaking heart.]

Can I come see you? [She knows she doesn't have to ask. But she asks, just this one more time.]

[In a weird way, it means a lot that she asks. Elena laughs and shakes her head a little.]

You know you don't have to ask, [she says, softly. Just one last time.]

[She smiles, soft and sweet and wistful, and nods, hangs up, gets up from her bed one last time. The door falls shut behind her and she's trying hard not to cry, because she's never going to walk this route again, she's never going to get to go see Elena again just because, they're never going to have lunch dates in the garden again, they're never--]

[Shouldn't think about it. She bites her lip and swallows her tears by the time she gets to Elena's door, and knocks lightly, leaning against the doorframe.]

[Elena's counting the heartbeats as she waits for Abigail. She sits on her bed, feeling numb and hollowed out all the while feeling too full of everything. She's happy. She's scared. She's sad. But she's so elated. It's everything and nothing; too little and too much all at the same time.]

[But the knock comes and she feels her heart skip a beat. She's not ready. There was supposed to be more time. There was always supposed to somehow be more time. Elena cover her mouth again, and squeezes her eyes shut. She's getting a chance to say goodbye and she's not going to blow it. She's going to be strong for Abigail even if it's just one last time.]

[She wipes quickly at her eyes, and stands up. She stops just for a moment to get her smile in place before she lets Abigail in.]

Hey graduate, [she says, pulling Abigail inside and to her.]

[It's funny. Both of them are sad and hiding it. Both of them are putting on their bravest faces for the other, who they don't want to see sad. They are so strong, but neither of them are the strongest parts of the other. They are strong in themselves, for themselves, so strong that they can shore up other people who are feeling weak.]

[This is why, when Elena ushers Abigail into her room, she feels strong enough to be weak, just for a moment. Strong enough to break down a little and clutch at her hand, tuck her head against Elena's shoulder, and let out a few tears - just a few.]

I can't believe I really did it.

[It's hard not to start crying again herself the moment Abigail starts even if it's only a few tears that escape. But Elena makes herself stay just as she is for the moment because she doesn't want to focus on that sad feeling both of them are carrying right now. She just wants to focus on how incredible it is that Abigail's graduated, that she's going home, that she's going back to a better life.]

I can. [Elena kisses the top of her head.] You had this in you this whole time, Abigail. It just took a little work to get it on the surface.

A lot of work.

[She laughs, delirious with joy and sadness, and kisses Elena deeply, wrapping her arms around her neck and pulling her close. When she pulls back, she brushes Elena's nose with hers, grinning giddily.]

I get to go home now, Elena. I get to make everything right again.

[When Abigail puts her arms around Elena's neck, Elena wraps her arms around Abigail's middle, holding her close enough that they're flush against one another. She laughs a little at how much Abigail is smiling, but it ends in a soft, choked sob. She's trying. She's really trying. But it's not that easy to keep it all inside right now. She lets go of Abgail's middle to hold her face in her hands, just needs a moment to study every last detail of it into her memory. So that she can hold onto that smile in the days to come.]

Just promise me that you're going to be safe. And you're not gonna wait for anything to do everything you've ever wanted or dreamed of doing. And if along the way, things change, you take it and you go for it.

I just need to know that you're going to be happy. [She sniffles.] Promise me? That you'll try to be happy?

[She strokes the back of Elena's head, feeling the smooth softness of Elena's hair under her fingers - maybe for the last time. She doesn't want to keep thinking about how close they are to the end, but she can't help it. There's so little time left, and she wants to make the most of it while she can.]

[Looking up into Elena's face, she smiles, sniffs, and nods. She understands. She will. But--]

I won't just try. I will be happy.

For you, but for me, too. Okay? I promise.

[Elena nods a little as Abigail promises. And she feels nothing short of an ache in her chest that she can't be there to see it, that she can't be a part of it anymore. Abigail is going to have to do this on her own. Elena leans forward a little, resting her forehead on Abigail's with her eyes closed.]

I love you so much, [she says in a low voice.] Don't ever forget that.

[She's going to have to do this on her own, but she feels so prepared, so ready. Excited, even, to take this next step in her life, to be alive again. Even though it means leaving Elena - and even though that hurts - she knows that she needs it. She knows that this is the right choice.]

[Her eyes slip closed as Elena leans against her, and she rocks them gently back and forth, murmuring in a quiet voice.]

I don't think I could if I tried. You can't forget me either, okay?

[Elena makes a small, soft hum of amusement, smiling without opening her eyes.]

I don't think I could forget you even if someone tried to compel the memories away, Abigail.

[Abigail has meant so much to Elena. Words seem to fall short of explaining all the ways that she's changed Elena. It's been so long since Elena's felt like she was part of a relationship, instead of being consumed by it. She's been made stronger and better for having known Abigail. In some ways, Abigail saved her more than any warden could have. But Elena had to do the work. And that made all the difference.]

[She laces her fingers with Elena's, holding both of her hands swinging at their sides. Her eyes still brim with tears, but she's breathing steady now, her heart beating normally. She isn't even afraid anymore.]

What are you going to do when you get home? When you save your brother? What's going to happen then?

I'm going to get a house. Out in the country, where I have space to just be. And I'm going to - to get a dog, maybe, and I'm going to take lots of pictures, and I'm going to be happy. Tell me what you're gonna do.

[Elena smiles wider at Abigail's plans. It sounds beautiful. It sounds...perfect. But really, she doesn't know what she's going to do with her life exactly. She's been so focused, so stuck on just the idea of getting her brother back that she hasn't thought that far ahead. And she should. She should have plans and ideas for things beyond right now, beyond the Barge.]

I'm going to find a place for Jer and me to live. [Seeing as how she burned their family home to the ground when he died, whoops.] He's going to finish up high school and I'm thinking I might actually do that whole college thing. Even though honestly, I have no idea what I want to be.

I guess I got time to figure that out.

That's part of what college is for, though, right? Figuring everything out?

I haven't decided if I want to go back.

[So many places are going to be closed to her because of what she's done, because of what she's going to do. Maybe some correspondence school or something. She doesn't know.]

Where do you want to live?

I'll stay in Mystic Falls. At least until Jeremy's done with high school.

[She'll have to leave it eventually, of course. It's just a matter of when rather than if. It's a weird and scary thought to think that Mystic Falls won't be home forever. That it can't be. Not that she ever had that much ambition to stay there forever even when she was human. But she had the expectation that she could always go back whenever she wanted. Now? Now she's going to have to wait a generation or two once people start to realize she's not aging like she's supposed to.]

After that... I don't know. I'll probably try to stay for at least a few more years. Not all of my friends are vampires and I'd like to be near them for as long as I can.

Will you tell him about me?

[This a little wistful, a little sad. She wants to be known to people, she wants it to be known that she was important to Elena's life, but she just can't imagine explaining this place to anyone, not even people used to the supernatural. It's just too much.]

[Elena laughs a little and nods.]

Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to tell him all about you.

I'll tell him about how we met, how we weren't the best of people at the time. I'll tell him about how one of the first things I felt again was caring about you. I'll tell him how brave and beautiful you were through all of this.

[She can imagine Jeremy's reaction to hearing about any of it once he got past his disbelief. He'd start urging Elena to go find Abigail. To go be with her instead of staying behind in Mystic Falls, that he could take care of himself and that she'd done enough for him. But it's not that simple. It'll never be that simple.]

He'll know how much we loved each other through everything.

[It'll never be that simple, just like Abigail will never stop loving Elena. They can't be together, not because they don't love each other, but because there's too much of the world in their way. There are too many other things they need to do, too many other people they're responsible for.]

[Abigail understands this. She's accepted it. That doesn't mean she has to like it.]

[But she smiles when she hears Elena, that she will be honest about the Barge, that she'll share what's happened to the both of them. She can't believe how lucky she's been, how honored, to know Elena, to love her, to be with her.]

It's a good story, don't you think? Kind of like a fairy tale?

Without a stupid prince getting in the way, [Elena says with a small nod.]

[No one will write their story for them anymore. There are some things that neither Elena nor Abigail can control or account for. They are both aware of it and accept it when things happen. But they are the authors of the next chapters of their lives. Wherever they go, it will be because of they put themselves there.]

[It was a terrifying thought at first for Elena, when she realized she had that kind of power. But knowing it and using it come easily to her now. She thinks and she hopes it will be the same for Abigail.]

Perfect, [she says, and smiles, her heart full and ready to burst. She is ready, she thinks. Finally, finally, she's ready. To go out into the world, to conquer it, to make it her own. She wouldn't have gotten here without Elena - without Ben, without Derek, without a hundred other people - but she wouldn't have gotten here without herself, either.]

[She squeezes Elena's hand and backs up a little bit, giving her a serious look.]

You know what I have to go do now, right?

[Elena tips her head to one side, eyebrows slightly raised as she looks at Abigail questioningly, waiting for her to fill in the right answer.]

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